


My ashes don't help the life grow

by Syperius



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Prostitution, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-26
Updated: 2018-07-02
Packaged: 2019-03-09 17:23:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13486224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Syperius/pseuds/Syperius
Summary: Kylo's life seems to be going well. He owns the Falcon Industries, a company that designs airplanes and anything to do with flying and piloting. He's rich, famous, he has friends and he doesn't seem to be missing anything in his life.Then he meets Hux, his friend from high school who suddenly just disappeared in their Junior year.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you don't like short chapters, you might not enjoy this fic. I'll try my best though.

People with determined looks on their faces walked the streets of busy New York. From time to time it seemed one could get where they wanted faster by walking, the traffic jamming as it was the busiest time of the day. People were getting off work.

Kylo Ren's day wasn't at its end yet. He had just left a meeting and soon he needed to be in an another one across the city. The TIE Alliance wanted to work together with his company, the Falcon Industries, but Kylo wasn't sure about writing the contract. Something about them just seemed off. Though in the meeting he was just walking away from, Phasma had made many good points why they should accept. Apparently working with Mr. Snoke would give them more coverage in the field even though they were already one of the biggest ones.

Contemplating on what he should do with the issue, the walk down happened on autopilot, his feet knowing the way around even if he was asleep. That had happened too, once, after too much work and no sleep for two days. He had freaked out his secretary really bad.

The busy life of New York didn't show on the back yard of his company's building. Kylo had a few minutes for breathing fresh air outside. Or as fresh as it could get in that city. Sometimes it seemed even the air inside his office was better, thanks to ventilation.

His driver hadn't come yet. The usual spot where the car would be waiting for him was empty. Perhaps they were stuck in the traffic, Kylo thought as he checked the time on his phone.

Normally at a situation like this, with free time in his hands even though just few minutes, he'd stop to think about life. About how well it was going for him. He was 26 and he owned a big and successful company. Every morning he would wake up with a decent mood, knowing he could work with something he was passionate about - flying. And planes. He did own a few small planes he'd fly sometimes if he had the time. Though in the past year it has been almost impossible. Kylo had started to miss it, especially the feeling one could get only from flying a plane and making tight turns and tricks.

Kylo's thoughts were interrupted by some noise he heard coming from behind the corner. It was almost disturbing and his brows furrowed with slight disgust. It sounded like someone was getting fucked against a dumpster. Someone was panting and an another groaned. Kylo checked his phone one more time and then looked around before walking around the corner, anger building up within him. It made his shoulders tense and hands press into fists, his demeanour changing from a smart business man to a threatening mafia boss. 

"Hey! Get off my property!!" He yelled at them. 

Someone really was getting fucked against a dumpster. A thin man, with ginger hair and a lot of skin showing was being held down by one of those middle class business men who found their excitement from somewhere else than their own wife. A prostitute, Kylo guessed, judging by the whole scene. The one getting fucked didn't mind being caught, but the other man was startled and he immediately pulled away, almost tripping because of the pants hanging down at his knees. 

"Do you fucking understand English??" Kylo took a step closer, yelling again and this time he threw his hands up too to shoo them away. They could finish their business elsewhere. 

Though the payer didn't want to. They quickly pulled their pants up and started to leave.

"Hey! You still have to pay me!!" The redhead demanded, pulling up his pants too. His voice sounded familiar. Kylo saw a note being dropped onto the ground by the man who was rushing away. Then he heard cursing, or more like hissing, and the man picked up the note with his pants still loosely around his hips. They tucked it into their pocket, and Kylo wrinkled his nose. 

Such an 'interesting' choice of career, was all he let himself think about it.

The redhead turned around after properly putting the pants on, probably ready to talk some shit to him, but the words and snarls never came. They ended up just staring at each other, and first Kylo didn't realize why.

His eyes studied his features. The ginger hair had always been something he liked. The prostitute's eyes were strikingly bright too. A beautiful contrast against the hair. And the lips were just as beautiful as anything else. Reminded him of...

"Hux?" Kylo was half confused half amazed. His heart started beating faster and his hands weren't pressed into tight fists anymore. The tight uphold of his threatening posture relaxed and he instinctively took a step closer again, this time to see if it really was him, not to shoo him away.

Something flashed in the man's face. The face Kylo was sure belonged to his friend who had disappeared twelve years ago. It was still the same face, just a bit older now. He saw those lips breathe out something, but Kylo couldn't hear it. 

They had been frozen like that for a while, until Hux, Kylo was sure now, started backing away. "Hux??" Kylo called him again, about to go after him, when his driver called him instead. Kylo had to go, he had a meeting to be at. But Hux... It has been 12 years. Hux was walking away from him and Kylo felt torn. He wanted to follow but he couldn't, his driver's voice sounding almost panicked as he talked about how little time they had left to make it in the traffic.

Kylo quickly glanced back and waved at him, but when he turned back to look at Hux, he was gone. 

"Fuck!" The dumpster was kicked with a loud bang and Kylo got into the car. It was too late now. Or for now. But now Kylo knew, his friend was actually alive. What had happened to him? Why? He had so many questions. And he knew he had to find him again. 


	2. Chapter 2

Out of everyone possible in New York, why had it been Ben who caught him in a situation like that? Hux was mortified, as he quickly walked away from the scene. Or more like escaped it. The shock of seeing his old friend hasn't fully melted away yet. His heart was thumping loudly in his chest, making his thin form shake with it. There was nothing he could distract himself with from it. The cool air prickling at his bare skin tried but didn't succeed. Even his hunger wasn't making his stomach grumble enough for that yet. Hux scratched the skin in his palms as his chest felt tight, like anxiety was trying to break and press his ribs through his heart. He wasn't sure what he should think of it all. Finding calming and rational answers wasn't easy. And staring down at the pavement as he walked in the sea of people didn't make it any easier.

The Central Park was very near, and he liked to spend time there when he wasn't working. He remembered getting fucked there too though, someone had paid him extra for doing it in public with the possibility of getting caught. A kink of theirs, Hux had immediately guessed. Of course it was dangerous, and Hux could get arrested. Or sometimes there were other kind of predators in the night waiting to sabotage his life's work. And then there were those people who were utterly disgusted. They hated him and his work - like giving pleasure to others would be worse than killing them.

Hux was used to the noise of the city, the cars honking, sirens, and the hum the city just seemed to give off just from being alive. It reminded him of how he was alive too. As long as he kept hearing the noise, he knew it was ok. It always didn't make him feel safe, but it did now. Something about the familiarity of it could even make one fall asleep. Was it his lullaby now, Hux wondered.

Oh yes, I got paid, Hux remembered and pulled the crumbled note out of his pocket that he had stuffed in it in a hurry. Seeing how much, or little, it was, his stomach dropped and he sighed. "Twenty fucking dollars? Fuck." They had agreed on sixty, even though normally Hux would try to get a bit more. Depending on their popularity in the area, some street prostitutes could even make 120$ per hour. One day Hux would get there too, but now it had been pretty early and in a back alley before they had been rudely interrupted by... Ben.

It was okay. He'd probably never see him ever again. It gave Hux some sort of fake relief, though the hook had been attached and he couldn't deny himself being a little curious how his old friend was doing. Hux couldn't regret just suddenly leaving the school, his life had demanded it, but maybe he was starting to regret running away from him again. It has been twelve years since they last saw, and one would think he was over their friendship already. But he wasn't. Seeing him had just reminded him of it again. 

He kept picking at the skin in his palms, but he finally lifted his eyes up to look at the shops at the side. The signs told him where he was already, and he congratulated himself for being able to distract his thoughts from Ben for a while. Now his hunger was starting to press at the front of his mind too, thanks to walking. The shops looked really inviting, and Hux wondered where he should go eat. There was no better use for the twenty dollars he had gotten than food. He didn't use drugs or smoke, which he was glad of. 

There was one place where Hux visited more frequently than any other in the city. It was being run by one of his friends. Or he'd like to think she was his friend, though she was friendly to everyone who stepped inside. It was close, only a block away from where he currently was, on the East side of Central Park. He went there, and despite it still being the busiest time of the day, what looked like an ordinary little restaurant was still on the emptier side. The warmth inside was as inviting as any other restaurants', if not more even.

Though it would never beat the inviting friendliness Hux always saw on Rose's face when he stepped in. She was serving food to one of the tables, but still she could spare him a wide smile. He didn't know much about movies but he swore if she was any cuter she would be a Disney princess. The personality matched too. 

Hux walked up to the counter and she came to the other side soon. "Hello, Hux! I'm glad to see you again." She greeted him kindly, not minding Hux's non-verbal reply as he just nodded at her. She had gotten used to it, and the fact that she could never get a smile out of him. Sometimes she still tried, but Hux would just stare at her. 

"The usual one?" Rose didn't really need to wait for the answer, she already knew. 

"Yes, please." Hux nodded again, and he slid the twenty dollar bill he had down against the counter. He wished she'd take it this time.

"Oh Hux, you are silly. You know it's on the house! I am not taking your money." She giggled, took the bill and tucked it back into his pocket. Hux was a bit disappointed because he didn't want to feel like a parasite, just enjoying whatever she'd give him free. Yes, sometimes he didn't make that much as a prostitute but he could still pay his own food. Sometimes Hux thought he deserved to struggle. 

"No, please take it, Rose." 

"Nope. You sit your lil butt down and I'll bring you your food soon." She said it so sweetly the only thing missing now was a nose boop. Hux was glad she didn't do that. One time she had tried to hug him though, and Hux had immediately taken a step back. Outside his work he didn't like people touching him. Sometimes touch even made him flinch, a reaction he couldn't help.

Hux was about to protest but a young man he has never seen before came up to Rose ask help with the new food deliveries at the back. He looked a little out of place, probably from middle to upper class, and inexperienced like he wasn't sure what he was doing was right.

"Sure, Finn. I'll come help you soon. I'll just get Hux his food first ok?" 

"Okay... Hey man." He nodded upwards at Hux and then disappeared into the back again as fast as he had appeared too.

Rose saw the big question mark over Hux's face. "He started helping around here not long ago. Wants to do something helpful. He's a really nice guy. Don't be afraid to talk to him." 

Hux nodded at that hesitantly, and without saying anything else went to choose a table. Apparently this time sitting in the back corner of the room was the best, where he could look over the whole place. Though he regretted his choice when he realized there wasn't much to observe and the windows were too far for him to see well outside. Not having anything else to think about while waiting meant his mind wandered to Ben again.

He looked filthy rich. Probably worked in the tall building which's dumpster Hux was getting fucked against. Even just thinking about it made his cheeks burn with shame and guts twist. He didn't know Ben's story yet, but he could guess that while he was spreading his legs to strangers Ben was working with something more respectable. Making a life for himself. Maybe once Hux had had dreams too, but every day after he turned seventeen those dreams only slipped further and further away from his reach and now Hux didn't even bother dreaming about those things anymore. Now he was 27 and spreading his legs was all he was good for.

A hand with a plate on it appeared into his vision as he stared into nothing, and his gaze snapped up to see Rose. She gave him a smile. "There you go. Just as you like it." 

"Thank you." Hux said with a neutral tone, hiding any sign of the pressing thoughts he had.

"Is there anything else I could get for you? You know where you can get drinks and bread." 

"Uhm....n-... Actually, would you mind if I used the computer?" 

"Go ahead. It's for public use." She replied, already turning away to walk back to the counter. There was already someone else demanding her attention, and she looked at Hux with an apologetic look. 

The food was good, as always. Hux had a bad habit of eating his food fast, so he finished quickly, and in no time he was typing "Ben Solo" in google search.

He didn't get that many results though. Most were from the time when they were in school and Ben kept winning stuff for the school. The teachers were so proud of him. He has always been successful, and Hux wouldn't be surprised if he still was. 

Thirteen years ago, a year before Hux had left the school, he was at Ben's house one night. They were talking about the future, and Ben had told him he wanted to do something with planes and flying. His mother hadn't approved, but his father had been really proud of him. Hux remembered the hollow feeling in his chest from seeing Ben with his family; they loved him. And it always made him compare his own relationship with his father to them, leaving him even sadder. But he never blamed Ben. It was good...that some people had a nice life. Hux should be happy for Ben. Happy for the grown up Ben too.

There was one article that talked about Ben Solo at the age of 22. Or it was only a mention really, because most of the article interviewed someone called Kylo Ren. A new company had started conquering the piloting industry, and people had been excited about the new blood among the old men who should already retire and just enjoy their fat bank accounts. Reading about everyone's success always made Hux bitter, though those thoughts always led into blaming himself. Who else could he blame? 

It took Hux a while to connect the dots - that Kylo Ren was Ben Solo. He had chosen a new name. Hux wasn't really surprised. In their youth Ben had always said he'd want to start using a completely new name in his adulthood, because if he didn't, people would always recognize him as "Leia Organa's son."

Perhaps searching with Kylo Ren would give more results.

And it did.

"The Falcon Industries soon challenging the top - comments from Kylo Ren."

"Kylo Ren exposed cheating within the biggest companies."

"Top 10 richest young bachelors in New York - check them here!"

There was one pretty recent one too, posted only 9 minutes ago: "The Falcon Industries refuses the TIE Alliance's offer." Hux eventually ended up reading his wiki page, filling some blanks and answering the questions Hux had.

Now he was glad he had avoided him. How embarrassing would it have been to actually meet him, to talk to him... Someone of his standing, on top of the hierarchy. Ben's life was... good. He would have wanted a good life too.

Stop it, you are being selfish again, Hux thought. He should be proud of Ben, but he couldn't help the bitter tears stinging in his eyes. It hurt to know what could have been. The possibilities he once had made his chest tighten again. Look at where Ben was... and then look at where he was.

It was for the best to leave Ben in the past now. It would take him time to forget him again, but he would. He already did it once. He hoped Ben would be able to do the same. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for commenting guys! <3 I'm not confident in my writing at all so it feels nice to hear you like it and want more!

Even just the smell of coffee had Kylo's mood going up in better direction. It still wasn't enough though, because he had headache, and for some reason he always thought pinching the bridge of his nose and running those long fingers through his hair would help it. There were a few reasons why he was being bothered by the pain again - worrying if he made the right decision declining the TIE Alliance's offer was one of them. His instincts had been right when he thought there was something shady going on with that company. Mr. Snoke had been too excited about meeting him. Kylo eventually realized he would have used the Falcon Industries only to boost their own company while giving them back the minimum help, and the contract Snoke had wanted him to sign would have tied him to him for at least 10 years. 10 years in the business world was a long time, and many companies could shine and fall in that time. 

There was a knock on his door, and Kylo's head shot up to see who it was. The door was made of glass and it came in handy. However, it didn't give that much privacy, but that particular office he used when he was available for his employees to bother. If he wanted privacy, he had an another one elsewhere and no one else than his right hand standing at his door right now had access there. Phasma tried to defy that once but after the mess that had come out of it she never tried again. 

"Rey, please come in." He gestured for her to sit, though she never did. She was polite and worked hard, a good worker he could trust and she even had the save burning passion for flying as he did. Now she was sporting a sweet smile and a suit as white as her flashing teeth. It was almost blinding.

"Morning, Kylo. I'm sure you could smell the coffee so I brought you some." She had two cups and she placed the other one on the desk in front of him. 

"Thank you, you are a lifesaver." A groan left deep from his throat as he devoured the coffee. It wasn't how he usually would have wanted his coffee but Rey wasn't his coffeemaker so he could live. She was worth more than that.

"Thinking too much again?" 

"Yeah. I'm sure I made the right decision but it still bothers me." Kylo just couldn't put it in words why it was bothering him so much. Usually in these situations Rey was the one to voice his worries, and it'd help him to get over them. That was because they were good friends too, and she knew him from college. Perhaps even best friends, judging by the nights they shared together eating themselves ill and watching movies while talking about anything possible. 

One time Kylo had even helped Rey to hit on someone. 

"Hmm...let me think... If I were you, my next worry would be if Mr. Snoke was as bitter inside as he looks outside after your decline... meaning, if he would try to ruin our reputation as a revenge." 

"Exactly. Thank you." 

"But I wouldn't worry too much. People are smart. If he tries anything, they'll know. And we have a good PR team, they can take care of anything. If you want I could talk with Mitaka." 

The news of the deal not being done was still a big thing in their field and Kylo thought some PR work was needed. And he'd need to give the public a statement soon too. It wasn't a must but people were naturally curious, and telling them what's up stops the ridiculous rumours going around. 

"Yes, do that if you have time. I know you are busy with the engineering apartment right now."

"Anything for you, Ben." Rey smiled. Kylo nodded thankfully. "Now, I did actually have real business to talk about too so..."

"Let's get to work." For now, Kylo was distracted and he couldn't think about Hux.

After setting some goals with Rey, Kylo's mind was empty enough for him to remember what else bothered him. Hux was the other reason why he had headache. All the questions without answers. Where has he been? Why did he just disappear without telling him? Was he okay? 

Kylo knew he needed to find Hux again, but New York was a big city and he had no idea where to start. He couldn't just walk the streets and literally look for him. Why couldn't there be a magic wand to wave and say "Accio Hux." 

"Sorry Kylo but that's not how life works." He sighed to himself. Well, he'd at least keep his eyes open.

He had kept his promise to himself that week - spotting redheads wasn't actually that hard in the sea of people as he had thought. However time after time he was disappointed after seeing the hair was right but the face wasn't. Every time he saw someone he hoped they were Hux. There was something in him, like and old spark he wanted to revive. Old memories and feelings he wanted to relive with Hux, and now when he knew it was possible, he wanted it more than flying. Was it ridiculous, after such a long time? 10 years, surely they had changed a bit.

Kylo was ready to end the week in a disappointment too. Fatigue forcefully pressed his eyes shut as he sat in a murky coffee shop. He would have had money for lot better, obviously, but he went there because of the coffee. It was so bitter it satisfied his masochistic tastebuds. And kept him awake. 

The coffee never brought up a memory in his mind though. Kylo guessed it happened now because of Hux's resurfacing. The memory was of them, at his place when his parents were gone, and they had wanted to make coffee. Hux had preferred tea at that time, and Kylo momentarily wondered if he still did. Or was he a friend of coffee now too? Kylo had had no idea how to make coffee, and Hux hadn't bothered to help him to see how badly he'd fail. He remembered their bickering, how Kylo had begged Hux to help while the readhead was sitting at their kitchen table and holding back a laugh. 

The result had been coffee as black and bitter as this. Kylo smiled at the memory. It was a fun one. 

The city was never asleep and the never ending stream of people passed the coffee shop. Kylo kept staring outside from the narrow empty spots on the window where posters weren't completely covering it. For a second he thought he had seen Hux. The red hair had matched. The eyes had matched... Even what he could see of the person's style of walking seemed familiar. 

Kylo's heart suddenly thumped so hard he awoke from his trance and he was quickly on his feet and out of the shop. He looked left and right like an idiot even though he had clearly seen him walk left. There he was, walking away, that red hair peeking from middle of the people like a beacon. Or it was a beacon to Kylo. He ran first, then slowed down when near enough to catch him with fast walking not to scare him off. There must have been a reason why he left last time.

"Hux...!" 

The man stopped. People behind him let out an irritated huff and walked around him to continue on their way. 

"Hux..." 

Kylo released a shaky breath when his gaze met those bright eyes. He hadn't thought he'd get to see them so close in his life anymore, but there he was, standing in front of him. Those eyes used to make Kylo feel so many things when he looked into them, drowning in dreams. Suddenly Kylo was nervous, and he had to push his hands in his pockets to stop himself from picking at them too much.

"It really is you..." The speech he had memorized in his head for this situation was long gone, forgotten as soon as Hux had turned to face him. There was no smile on Hux's face like there was on his, but Hux was never one to smile easily.

However, this version looked colder.

"It's me, Ben. You remember me right? We were buddies in high school. Best buddies." It was a try to make Hux say something. People who haven't seen each other in a long time, wouldn't they normally be excited? Wouldn't they at least say hi? It didn't look good, but Kylo stayed optimistic. 

"You used to come at my place a lot, we did school work together, played together. You even bought me my first CD as a birthday gift."

Hux's face twisted a little. Even after twelve years he recognized what that particular twist meant; he was struggling with something. But he was still silent. It ignited desperation in Kylo. He wanted to grab his shoulders and shake him, he just wanted him to say something. He didn't have the wrong person standing in front of him!

Kylo saw Hux look him up and down. First thought was he was being checked out but there was nothing on the redhead's face to indicate that. His expression did change but he still looked really distant, like he didn't know him. Or didn't want to.

"Please? I miss you. I'm so happy to know you are alive! We could talk, right? Catch up? Come with me? Let's go get some coffee or something? Well I just had coffee but if you are hungry we could get some lunch." Why wasn't Hux reacting to him? Kylo felt lonely in his rambling. He took a step closer but Hux stepped back as much. It confused him. He wasn't afraid of him was he? Kylo looked down on himself and he was only wearing his normal every day suit, it should be that intimidating. Sure, he was taller than he used to be but so was Hux. They were almost the same height, when back then Hux used to be easily the shorter one.

Hux seemed to be shaking his head, thought the movement was so little Kylo wasn't sure. He tried to see any clue of what was going inside that head, but even the blank blink of his eye didn't reveal anything.

The quick beat of his heart had Kylo slightly trembling. His body felt light, and for a moment he was scared if there was any wind it would make him fall. That changed as soon as he saw Hux turn his back to him and walk away. There were heavy weights tied to his legs, the air had been kicked out of his lungs by an invisible force and Kylo felt defeated. 

Why would Hux want to talk with him? Why was he running away? He just couldn't understand...

The old spark in his heart died out a little but it wasn't gone. What was left of it made Kylo move his legs and go after him. He wouldn't give up. He had a reason why. But when he turned around the corner, Hux was already gone.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks guys again for all the encouraging messages and kudos! I've never gotten this far in writing a fic because I get writer's blocks so easily so this fic going forward is thanks to you <3

 

"Who is this guy anyway? Why do you want to find him so much?" Rey frowned. She tried to understand how one man could get Kylo so disorientated. Kylo has been under so much pressure from every direction since he got the Falcon Industries but one guy... one guy had him a sleepless wreck. Rey had no idea who Hux was and Kylo was a bit annoyed she spoke of him like he was just some normal meaningless human to him.

"He was my best friend in high school, he disappeared, and now I got to know he's alive. Of course I want to find him!" Kylo exclaimed. He was not in a good mood because of the second 'rejection' he couldn't understand.

"Hey! Don't take your frustrations on me! I'm the one you are asking help from!" She crossed her arms over her chest and showed him her intimidating power stance. Kylo rolled his eyes with a huff and turned to stare out of the window, his gaze setting on some random detail in the next building. Taking in deep breaths was something he had learned to do to calm his nerves, finally after Rey had bothered him enough about it. It didn't always help as much as he hoped but Rey had just told him to suck it up and deal with his emotions like a grown up. Kylo appreciated the harsh but friendly tip.

"What do you know about him? If you want me to find him?" She said with a much softer voice now, and it came closer now which told Kylo she had walked to stand behind him on his right side. It was a really hard task, had nothing to do with their work and Rey definitely didn't have to do it so he was really thankful she still would. Kylo knew he'd owe her a really nice restaurant night now.

"He's a ginger, as tall as me... but thin. And I think he spends more time on the East side of Central Park than West... I've seen him here both times, around the same time of the day."

"That's not much to go by on..." Rey sounded thoughtful, and Kylo realized how little information it was. It wasn't realistic she'd find him.

"You know, forget it. It's useless." 

Knowing Rey she wouldn't give up now though. "No no no no, he's clearly important to you so we _are_ going to find this guy... Does he work?"

"Uh... I think he might be a sex worker." He looked at her face to see if it bothered her. Luckily not. She just nodded. "Okay... so... I'll do a bit research and I might be able to pinpoint the areas where he might be. What was his name again?" 

Kylo wondered what kind of plan she had in his mind. She was good at finding lost things. And people. Her skill at finding staff to work on a project in the last minute was exceptional. One time they had had one day time before a deadline, the head guy of the project had been taken into hospital and she had found someone to replace him.

But how would she get Hux come with her to meet him?

"Armitage Hux. He prefers just Hux though." Hux never told him why he hated the name Armitage so much, and after few smacks to the face Kylo had learned not to call him that.

"Okay. I need the keys to your home."

"Why?"

"I just do, now do you want me to do this or not?"

Kylo grumbled something and then nodded. "I'll get you the spare key."

 

* * *

 

Hux was out again, offering himself for the hungry eyes of men and women who passed, wishing someone would want to fuck him. Or make him suck their dick. Anything. His wallet was almost empty. The night was cooling down and he tried to mask his shivering as little dance steps from time to time to the music that blasted from a nearby dance club. He called out to some who looked interested, but they refused. There was one woman though, who seemed to inspect them really closely, as there were others trying to earn some money too. She came to Hux and her face lit up.

"You are just the guy I am looking for." The woman smiled and Hux immediately offered her a charming smile. Ah, a customer. She already seemed hooked on him and he had a feeling he wouldn't need to work for her attention too much. Perhaps thin old gingers were her thing... 

"...And you are coming with me." She laid a hand on his shoulder and ran it down his arm, then took his hand. Her hands were soft...she didn't work that much did she. She looked wealthy too. Maybe this night wouldn't feel as bad as the others, because Hux had a feeling the payment would be higher than normally. If so, he'd be thankful. He was really old for a prostitute, but thanks to his baby face when he shaved he could lie his age to be younger. Not so close to his thirties.

"It would b-..."

"...don't worry about the money, my sweet peach, it's not a problem." She hooked her arm around his, and Hux smirked. "I can't wait to be of service then... Give you a real good night."

Hux followed the young brunette, riskily into her car as she had insisted to take him somewhere real nice, and watched as she drove to Brooklyn. Maybe she lived there, in a big beautiful house that she had somehow earned. Something Hux would never be able to afford. He could live with what he got, but the income had started increasing few years ago. He had no idea what he would do then when he couldn't spread his legs anymore. There were no diplomas or previous work places to use to get a job, no one would hire a high school drop out. 

They drove in to a little private yard but Hux was surprised the house wasn't that flashy. It did look grander than most, but even the cheaper modern houses nowadays looked luxurious. The house looked like a mix of everything. Someone who made it must have been a conflicted person, or just generally all over the place, but it was still pleasing to look at. Not that Hux could complain.

The woman wrapped her arm around his waist again without warning, but along the years Hux had gotten used to that. Some people could suddenly just start groping him, going straight to the point, even skipping the dirty talk. Those sessions were the easiest in a way. He didn't need to act, or try to please - he could just be a warm body for them to fuck and he'd get paid for it. The shame that he had had when starting quickly left once he got used to it.

However he hasn't gotten used to calling anyone 'daddy', even though he has many many different kind of things people were into... It was probably his own 'no'.

He was led inside the house and he tried not to wallow in jealousy too much as he was being walked forward. If he stole something and sold it, he'd probably be able to live by that for a really long time. But if he was caught, he wouldn't survive in jail. The thought of that made him shudder and the woman glanced at him. "Is it the anticipation working?" She rubbed his side, making Hux innerly frown. She didn't seem like a normal client. The vibe they normally gave off was missing, and Hux rubbed his fingers together bit anxiously. This woman couldn't be a serial killer, she looked way too sweet for that.

They went straight up upstairs, and she pushed a door open. Hux stepped in and braced himself.

"Ben." She called.

Confusion and shock hit him like a wall, and Hux felt flighty. He stepped back, regretting coming with her, only to bump his back into her. Hux flinched and jumped to the side, so that he could see them both.

Them both...

Kylo was there, sitting behind a desk with as surprised look on his face as Hux's. 

"Found him. You're welcome. I'll spam your phone when I want that restaurant treatment." She smiled and left, leaving the boys there alone. Hux felt even more unsure now, and her leaving so soon was like pulling the rug from under his feet. He had expected to see a big luxurious bedroom with a big soft bed full of pillows, but instead he was standing in a as luxurious home office, feeling really out of place. He had expected to fuck or be fucked on that big soft bed, but now even that wasn't going to happen. Also the fact that the man he had been avoiding was there with him, looking at him like a treasure with those deep brown eyes of his didn't help his already racing heart at all.

Hux glanced at the door, knowing it wasn't locked but he still felt trapped by the situation. Ben wouldn't forget him. He wouldn't let him go like he had hoped, just because he had seen him getting fucked against a dumpster almost two weeks ago.

Kylo seemed to drop everything he was doing, and slowly got up from his ridiculously expensive looking black leather chair. Hux was looking around, taking in the smallest details of the room, wondering if they could tell him at all what kind of person Ben was now. Definitely persistent, that was for sure. He had walked away from him twice now, and Ben still went after him. That's how they were different, and that's why Ben always got what he wanted; while Hux would have affected the facts, that someone didn't want to face them, Ben didn't give up. Which is why now Hux knew it was useless to walk away the third time. Ben would keep finding him.

"...Hux." He said his name with such a soft voice he wasn't used to it. Even when they had been friends twelve years ago he hadn't heard him call his name like that. Yet there was something else to it too. Ben looked like he was walking on thin ice, or trying not to scare off a deer. He came to stand in front of the desk, still a lot of space between them. The way he was so careful started to annoy Hux, because he wasn't that fragile. He could deal with facing Ben. The shame was starting to burn inside him again though...

"Stop staring at me like I'm a wounded bunny, Ben." Hux tried to spit it out but it sounded softer than he had intended. Kylo parted his lips but he couldn't hear the breath he probably had released.

"You still sound the same..." 

Hux blinked, shifted and looked down to the side away from Ben. He didn't feel the same.

"You... You are not going to walk away this time?" He sounded hopeful, perhaps even begging. Begging for him to stay without even using the word 'please'. Hux slowly raised his gaze up to meet his again and yes, Ben was silently asking him to stay.

The silence dragged between them and Ben squirmed on his feet, waiting for his answer.

"No." 

This time Hux saw _and_ heard the shaky breath he had let free. Did he really affect him so much?

Hux didn't realize how much Ben affected him. His heart was beating fast, he was sweating, and he kept playing with his fingers. The nervousness was endless, and it was twisting his stomach again. Luckily he hadn't eaten, or the food would be on his expensive rug right now.

Ben suddenly walked forward really fast, making Hux's heart skip a beat, and before he could take too many steps back he had big strong arms wrapped around him. Hux didn't know what to do, he was trapped and he had never been one for hugs. So he just waited for him to get it over with. 

"I really am hugging you. You are real." 

"Clearly." Hux managed to bite out with a small proportion of the sarcasm he had used in his youth. It was enough to make Ben giggle with happiness. Meanwhile Hux was conflicted, the wants of hiding from Ben and staying there battling for the winner's spot.

"Yup, it's you." He was finally freed from the hug, but those hands gently gripped his shoulders instead. Ben's deep brown eyes stared into his. "Wow... I don't even know where to begin... Uhm... Okay." Now he was awkwardly walking around the room like he was missing something. Hux recognized the mannerism, from before...

"Do you want something? Coffee? Tea? _Bitter Tarine Tea? "_

"You still remember my favourite tea?" 

"The taste of it burned the memory deep in my mind, I'll never forget it."

Hux huffed and rolled his eyes. It has been a long time since he last had drunk Tarine tea... If Ben really had some, he'd love to enjoy some. He was slow with his answer but he eventually nodded. The reality of the moment was still sinking in slowly, and Hux was still in his cautious mode. There was something he couldn't trust, but his mind was such a mess right now it had went silent on him. It was just him and Ben now. In the same room. Talking.

What.

"Come on, let's go down to the kitchen then. I'll make you some of that horrible tea." Hux wanted to ask him why he owned that tea if it was so horrible, but didn't need to when he saw his tea collection. He probably had everything possible, same was with the coffee. It would take Hux years to earn enough money to buy all that. The thought made him look somewhat annoyed, though the expression was gone when Ben turned to face him.

"Who was the woman?" Hux asked.

"Rey. A friend. She helped me to find you again."

Hux didn't say anything to that. 

"Please, sit, relax..." He was then being shooed towards the kitchen isle, and Hux was about to sit when Ben stopped him. "Actually, just go to the living room, I'll be there soon. It's more comfortable there."

The living room followed the overall style of the house. Messy yet clean. Contradictory elements that still looked good together. There wasn't any paperwork outside his office room so Hux guessed Ben still valued his free time in the "don't call me after 8 or I'll stick my middle finger up your butt" way. 

He walked around and looked at the shelves in the room. There were few pictures, and all of them were of him, Han or Leia. 

Ah, Leia Organa, the famous politician who tries to get the poor free from poverty. Her food had always tasted good, when she had the time to cook. It used to annoy him so much when Ben complained about the food.

And Han was nice, just happy that his son had friends. He did give him a ride home once when Ben had fallen asleep in the middle of a video game.

When Ben came to the living room with two cups in his hands, Hux was still standing. The pictures had made him remember some memories and he had gotten stuck in thinking about them. The trance was broken when Hux heard the porcelain cups clink as they were set on the coffee table. 

Hux sat down and there was silence between them again. Neither of them knew what to say, but one would eventually have to open their mouth. He took the tea cup and softly blew it before taking a sip. It was...perfect. 

"Uhm... So..."

"Just spit it out Ben. I already knew what you really want..." 

Ben nodded, and relaxed. Maybe just addressing the elephant in the room would make it easier.

"What happened?" 

That... The topic had Hux squirming on his seat and he crossed his legs and sat back as he tried to get comfortable. The truth wasn't something he was ready to give Ben. He wasn't, or didn't want to be a sad sob story for his old friend mourn, and then pat him in the head and tell him he's doing great. Because he wasn't. And he didn't want Ben to know that. 

"We moved states." Hux came up with quickly. The lie should be something Ben could believe, something that would make sense. "Father got some kind of secret job from the military and we couldn't tell anyone that  we were leaving or where we were going." The lie came out easily, but few seconds later it made him feel worse. His chest tightened with guilt. Ben had waited for twelve years to know what had happened and the best he could give him was lies.

"That's it?" 

"That's it."

Ben frowned. "And what was the job?"

"I have no idea... And I guess that was the point." He knew Ben knew his father was someone high up in the military, so hopefully he'd buy it. Or did Hux hope he didn't and he could tell him the real reason?

"Okay... But... Then you moved back to New York?"

"Yeah, some years later." In reality Hux had never left New York.

"And now you are...a sex wor-..."

"A prostitute, Ben. You can say it."

"That's...what you wanted?"

Hux gritted his teeth together but forced a slight smirk on his lips. "Why yes, I get to have sex every night and people pay me for it. A career of pleasure... It's important too, you know." It was true that some enjoyed the work, but Hux... He did not. But it was what he had to do to be able to eat every day. The more he sucked dicks the more he could feed himself. All the sperm didn't keep him alive for long, not enough nutrition or calories.

"Okay." Surprisingly Ben didn't seem to judge him. Hux wondered if it was because they had been friends. Or did he think they still were? 

"That's...all you have to say?" It was a mixture of relief and disappointment that he felt.

"You were my best friend, Hux, I'm just happy to know you are alright."

"...What...about you then?" After reading about him online that one day, Hux thought he already knew but for manners he asked him.

"Me? Oh, I had a crush on you but... I was too slow to tell you. I was soon about to but then you just disappeared. Never came to school again. I was so worried and then I never found out what happened to you." It was how Ben remembered it.

Hux was stunned. He had never known... It hurt his heart to know there had been someone who liked him...and he didn't know. He tried to blink, to get himself work again, but his eyes refused.

Ben was confused. "Oh...you meant now?"

"You liked me?" Hux asked with a silent, broken voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally we have our boys talking! :)


	5. Chapter 5

There was a glint in Hux's eyes that Kylo recognized to be hopeful. "Of course I liked you. I was always with you. We were best friends, weren't we?" Just thinking about it made him smile, but what he said made Hux seem more confused. He had set the tea cup down, perhaps afraid he'd drop it. 

"I thought you only, barely, tolerated me." It was his turn to look confused. "Why would you think that, Hux?"

"I don't....I don't know. Perhaps these years skewer with my memories more than I thought." He shrugged, "...But let's not dwell on the past now, shall we? We are here now..." It's like after admitting him about his past feelings had suddenly drawn him in. He seemed more open, or wanting of some sort of friendship. "We could... make new memories." Kylo swore he could see a tiny hint of desperation behind his usual steely cover. 

But of course he'd say yes to that. 

"Sure. Let's make new memories."

After that they had started meeting a couple of times every week. Kylo couldn't be happier of how the things were going... They were reconnecting, he'd take Hux to places like parks, museums, shopping, restaurants, and they'd talk... Hux was really interested in his life, wanting to hear everything what had happened to him after they parted ways. Of course Kylo was interested in Hux's story too but he always said there wasn't much to tell. And he wasn't allowed to tell if he knew. Military stuff... so Kylo could accept that. Perhaps someone else wouldn't have, but Kylo was more glad that he was there. 

He wanted to spoil him rotten. 

At some point Kylo had noticed Hux had started flirting with him. It was small first, lingering glances, a little confident smirk after a compliment and then at an Italian restaurant Hux had moved from that to putting his hand on his... and stroking his leg with his own. 

Kylo was surprised but the attention was welcome. More than welcome. His heart swelled with the thought of his first crush being interested in him.

"You know... I think we were meant to be together." He wondered how he had the courage to say that, judging from the way his heart was beating he should be unconscious or in a coma. 

"You do?"

"Yeah... Together through middle and high school... spent twelve years apart and... now here we are, together again." 

"I'm happy you didn't forget me completely."

"I'd never. Friendship like that can't be just forgotten, Hux."

"You know I was raised to believe nothing lasts forever." It was Hux's way of apologizing for being so pessimistic.

There was a long pause.

"If nothing lasts forever, will you be my nothing?" 

Hux almost choked on his drink. "Seriously, that's your pick up line?" Kylo was just as amused as he was.

"Hello, I’m a thief, and I’m here to steal your heart."

"Kylo..."

"Are you a parking ticket? ‘Cause you’ve got fine written all over you."

"Kylo stop it!" Kylo laughed. "You don't need some ridiculous pick up lines, you idiot." Hux huffed. The conversation had suddenly gotten a comical twist. Kylo was enjoying it, and Hux did seem a bit flustered.

"So..." He tried to find words what to say next. Hux staring at him like that wasn't making it any easier. 

"Do you want to find out how we else we can be together?" Hux saved him from the trouble with his suggestive question. The smirk on his face told him everything he needed to know. Hux was thinking about... _it_.

The waitress came. They asked for the check, Kylo paid. Left, and went back to Kylo's.

 

* * *

 

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Kylo broke the kiss, panting a little already. He had his hands pressed on each side of Hux's head, trapping him between himself and the wall. The anticipation was surging through his veins like a drug, and he knew his skin was probably flushed.

"Fuck yes, now get those clothes off." It was a demand. Kylo obeyed, with a grin, and pulled his shirt off over his head. The white piece of fabric was thrown somewhere, and Kylo almost expected Hux to tell him off and make him fold it. He had once in the past, though it was just because his room was messy.

He felt proud when he saw Hux's eyes take his form in, and a grin settled on his face when the other man bit his lip. "...And the pants." The front of his pants was tenting a little, he was already half hard. Kylo took them off too, and his underwear, and was the pieces were thrown somewhere again. Maybe he was more nervous than he had originally thought. He was holding his breath, waiting for Hux's reaction to his bareness. 

"...Woah." There it was. Kylo was aware he was...proportional in every way. 

"It doesn't bite." He smirked and stepped closer to Hux, momentarily trapping him between him and the wall again. They shared an another wet and sloppy kiss. "Now... These have to go too." His hands slipped under Hux's shirt and he felt the man shudder under his touch. It felt so thrilling to have him react to him like that... He wanted to see what else he could do. Soon.

"Take what you want..." Hux murmured, making it sound naughty. It didn't take long for Kylo to get rid of Hux's clothes too. His breath hitched up when he saw him, all of him. "Gosh, you are beautiful." He breathed. Hux cupped his face with his hands, stroke his cheek with his thumb and leaned in to kiss him. His right hand slid down to cares his side, and the trail of kisses followed down his neck.

There wasn't much talking needed. Kylo was feeling inpatient and with a grin picked up Hux and threw him on his bed. His bed was big, really big, and soft. Hux propped himself up on his forearms and stared at Kylo with an inviting smirk. That was all he needed to climb up on him.

Kylo ran his hands up Hux's sides and stopped at his chest, his thumbs stroking his nipples lightly. He could feel his muscles move as he squirmed under his touch. This was a moment he had fantasized about so much when he was younger. Hux looked so beautiful. Kylo loved his small soft body, it was such a contrast next to his own. He carefully kissed him first, trying it, and Hux started kissing him back. It made Kylo smile into the kiss. His heart was fluttering from just feeling Hux's lips against his. He had once wondered what it would feel like - now he knew. 

He placed kisses along his jaw, and moved down, drawing sensual shaky breaths from Hux. With a glance he saw his eyes were half-lidded, looking up. Not him. Kylo continued, placing his kisses lower and lower like he was worshiping his body, moving from the jaw to neck and chest.

"Mmm... I want you on top. I want to see..." He wanted to see what Hux would look like riding his cock. His strong hands grabbed Hux and he switched their places, Kylo lying down on his back and Hux straddling his hips. Kylo smirked, Hux didn't oppose. 

"I'll give you anything you want." He said huskily and placed his hands on Kylo's chest. Kylo loved the tingly feeling of excitement he got when Hux in turn let his delicate hands roam his skin. He could see his eyes follow his hands, like he was getting to know every inch of him. It was a beautiful thought, Kylo thought.

"Lube?" 

"Uhm, yeah...!" Kylo reached for it next to his bed and handed it to Hux. It was funny how casually he had just asked that. But it probably was because of his... job.

Kylo watched Hux coat his fingers in lube and then they disappeared behind him. His lips parted to relieve a sigh, and it turned Kylo on so much to see Hux finger himself... to see him prepare himself for him. 

"Come on..." He wanted to do something too and he pulled Hux down into kiss. There was no worry about him slowing up Hux's preparation, they had time... A lot of time. If Kylo could decide he'd spend the whole night with him in his bed. "I've wanted this so much..." He breathed out between the kisses. The words left his lips so easily, he wondered if Hux felt the same. He did have to feel something, or he wouldn't be doing this with him now! 

Didn't this kind of perfect love story happen only in movies or books, Kylo thought. Them getting together after twelve years...they'd be happy, enjoy each other and perhaps even something more.

Feeling Hux's fingers around his cock made his groan and they parted. Hux pulled himself away and lifted himself up, then slowly lowered himself down his length. "F-Fuck..." Kylo curse and they both moaned. Hux felt so hot around him... it felt so good, so good that when Hux moved up again Kylo thrust up to follow, not letting his tight hotness leave him. 

"Greedy." Hux sounded amused. It made Kylo think maybe he liked being playful. "Just relax, Kylo... I'll take care of you." He shushed him before he could say anything, and then started riding his cock like his life depended on it. Kylo's head slumped back and he let out an open-mouthed moan. "Ooh, that feels so good...Hux, you are so good."

Kylo quieted down to hear Hux but... he wasn't hearing anything. Not really, if the small soft gasps didn't count. Suddenly it just started feeling off, because he wanted Hux to enjoy it as much as he was. Should he have asked him what he liked? He had assumed...he'd like everything, since he had wanted to be a sex worker. He furrowed his brows and looked at Hux.

"Hux...?" 

"Yeah?" He sounded seductive but his presence didn't resonate with it. 

"Does it feel good?" Maybe Hux would have wanted him to be more in control?

"Yes, of course." Yet his words were hollow.

It just felt wrong. Kylo should have been enjoying this, but he wasn't. It was wrong. The look on Hux's face, his empty eyes that had been sparkling no long ago when they had been talking... He wasn't really present. Kylo stared up at him, stopped the small moans escaping from his mouth. He saw Hux notice. At least he noticed it. And he looked down at him.

"...Am I not making you feel good, Kylo?" He blinked and shifted like he was surprised.

Kylo realized what was bothering him. 

"Don't fuck me like one of your clients, Hux." He half snarled, frustrated that he wasn't having the real version of him. This was supposed to be intimate, not just... not just a routine!

"Oh... uhm... S-Sorry, I can do better." Hux started riding him harder, moving his hips more to give him more to feel. He leaned down to kiss him, but Kylo in his anger turned his head away and pushed Hux off of him.

He wasn't really angry at Hux. No, he was angry at himself, that he had thought he was the same person from twelve years ago. That he had thought the years apart hadn't changed him at all. Hux was so different now and something had happened to him that he couldn't understand, and it was standing right between him and Hux.

"Stop. I can't do it like this. I thought... I thought I could like you, have you, but not like this." Kylo moved to sit on the edge of the bed, not bothering to cover himself or his softening cock.

"I can...please let me do it again. I can give you more, Kylo." He felt Hux's hands on him, trying to better the mood again but for Kylo it was too broken already. The hands caressing his chest, wrapped around didn't feel loving, they were hollow. Void of real emotion. Kylo was mad and disappointed. "Just go away, Hux!" He pulled himself free from Hux. Why would Hux treat him like someone who just paid him for sex?? Earlier he had seemed so eager to be with him. It got him so excited for the possibility of them - Kylo's old crush flaming alive again.

Just to notice on Hux's part there was no flame for him.

There was long silence between them. Kylo didn't look at Hux, but he knew he was staring at the back of his head. 

"Okay..." He heard Hux say weakly behind his back. The bed shifted when Hux climbed off. The new uncomfortable silence between them was filled with shuffling noise as Hux gathered his clothes from the floor and started dressing up. Kylo didn't have time to regret his words yet because he was still trying to understand his own thoughts. One thing he understood was they had jumped into this way too fast. Did he even know Hux anymore? He wanted to say yes, yes he did, but the truth was he didn't. Twelve years was a long time. He had imagined Hux would smile when they made love so his blank face had completely thrown him off. It wasn't supposed to be like that. Where was his Hux? Or had he just imagined him?

A pang of guilt hit him. His chest constricted with the realization that it wasn't fair for him to put all these expectations on him. "Hux." He called him with hurry as he turned to look at him before it was too late. He was already dressed, though messier than before they had thrown the clothes on the floor. There was a look on his face... a look he couldn't recognize first because he hadn't seen it on him before. 

"Have a nice life, Ren." He said, like he was struggling to push the words out of his mouth. And then he left.

Kylo felt like an idiot. First he had spent a couple of weeks trying to find him and now he had told him to leave. "Fuck!" He got up and screamed, then kicked the bed. His leg throbbed painfully but he thought he deserved. What was that look on Hux's face? What had he done now...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so there will be a chapter with Hux's point of view of things too so don't worry :3 Thanks for reading!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooookay so it happened again, writing fics is hard for me. Sorry xc But here's the next chapter. Look for the end of chapter for warnings!

Hux was back in the little room where he sometimes lived, sitting on the bed with his elbows resting on his thighs and his face hidden in his hands. Perhaps he had tried pulling his hair too but decided empty spots would not make him more attractive to clients. 

His mood had been relatively the same after leaving Ben's place but now it was starting to go downhill. First it had been denial and blaming Ben for how bad he felt, but as he had more time to think or internally panic, the pointing finger turned to himself instead. Of course it was his fault. Why would he ever think someone truly liked him when he was just...himself.

Armitage Hux. A person with feelings. Not just a body for others to use so that he'd get to eat. Ben had offered him so much in the past weeks, taken him out to eat in so many places he could feel his body coming back to alive. His mind too from all the positive attention. Maybe not enough for a smile yet, but he had almost gotten there. However Ben had discarded him like a useless sack of meat before it could happen. Like he was useless. 

Useless... That word haunted Hux. His chest felt tight and heavy from only thinking about what it meant. It had been his father's favourite word to use when describing his illegitimate son. And it haunted him because it was true. Useless to the society, whoring himself since that's all he was good for. Useless to his family, he couldn't make his father proud. Never could. Useless to himself, because he couldn't make himself happy. What even was happiness?

He had been happier than normal with Ben. 

Hux forced the air out of his lungs with a sharp exhale and stared out of the small window. It was grey. Everything was grey. Where was his sun?

And since when had his thoughts been this messed up?

For a moment Ben had been his sun. And he was a seed of something, under ashes waiting to grow. But maybe there was too much ash on the seed. Maybe it was drowning. The ashes weren't helping this time. 

What if the seed died?

Stop.

No.

The realization of what he really was thinking about hit him hard and he started to hyperventilate. It was panic born from the thought of getting rid of himself. It was scary. Terrifying. Was there something after? Or would it just be nothing? Peaceful nothing. It sounded better than what he had now, chaotic and unsure nothing. 

For a moment Ben had been something. Being with him had made him realize how lonely he really was. How sad. After all the years of pretending he liked what he did, what he was, the quick sunlight revealed the truth of the thick darkness he was in. It had gotten dark slowly so he had never realized. Or maybe the younger optimistic him had refused to see it. 

Calm breaths. In. And out. 

He had a brief feeling of someone staring at him but it didn't fully register in his mind.

What Hux couldn't understand was what he had done wrong. Ben had been nice to him. He wanted to give something back. All he had was himself, and Ben clearly was interested in him so fucking him was the obvious answer. At least it had been to him, but Ben... Did he kick him out for not giving him enough? Every reason he could find they were all still his fault somehow. Maybe he wasn't loud enough, or should he have said something differently. 

Hux felt tears drop when he blinked, and it was just then he became aware of the wetness on his face. He was crying. Sobbing almost, as he tried to calm himself. Everything filled like a one big mess and he had nothing solid to grasp onto. To hold on and ground himself until he was stable. 

Suddenly having Ben back in his life was a painful reminder from the past. And now all the good he had had was gone too. Was it enough to live by for the next ten years until another crisis he wondered. Would he meet someone who treated him as well, would he owe them something for all of it and then they'd throw him away again.

It made sense though, Hux thought as he slowly managing to calm himself. People throw useless things away. Can the same be applied to people? He was useless, and he'd go as far as calling himself worthless so throwing himself away was only logical. He'd never be able to be where Ben was.

There was someone staring at him again, he felt it. 

"Sweetie?" It was Rose. She was standing at the door, asking with her eyes if she could come in. Hux didn't respond like he normally would, but she still walked in slowly.

"What's the matter?" Hux was glad she didn't ask if he was okay since he clearly wasn't. But a part of him still wanted to pretend like everything was okay. He didn't offer her an answer.

"Edrison wanted to come here to rest too but he saw you upset and came to get me." Hux felt the bed dip beside him and soon he felt the warmth of her body too. It wasn't as warm as Ben's had been. It didn't feel as comforting. He wiped the tears off of his face, and wiped his nose onto his sleeve. 

"I just..." He just what? Had a break down and thought about killing himself? "I lost a friend..."

"I'm so sorry, Hux. I know it must be hard to lose a friend." Under all the sadness in her voice she sounded surprised too. He had never told her anything about friends, only said he didn't have them. To that she had always said he had her, of course, but that was besides the point. She was probably wondering who this friend had been.

"A new old friend." It didn't really make sense to him either. Had they been old friends or new friends? Friends that tried to fuck? Or had he been a sugar baby? Many times rich and busy people did that, paid for company and sex, but then why hadn't Ben used him earlier?

"Can I...help you somehow?" Hux felt a hand on his shoulder, rubbing him gently. 

"N-No...I don't think so. I just..." He didn't know what he wanted or what he needed in that moment. He just missed living. He missed laughing. He used to laugh with Ben when they were younger. He used to have fun with him. He used to be close to him. All those things had kept following him into his dreams the past weeks and he had a feeling they'd turn into nightmares now. He was just so tired of everything. The sad dark life felt trapping and there was no way out of it. 

"I just need to rest..." 

"Okay...well, I'll give the whole room to you for this night so... you don't need to worry about sharing it with someone." Hux was glad. He didn't want someone to see and pity him. 

"If you need anything, just come down and ask, okay?"

Hux nodded.

"We are here for you, Hux." She gave him a little hug and an empathetic smile. Then left. Closed the door. Hux was alone again. 

He stared at his bag on the floor. Maybe he was paranoid but it felt like the whole universe was waiting for him to do something. It was pressing. Drowning. Forcing.

He knew what was inside the bag; two old used razors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw; suicidal thoughts
> 
> And thank you for reading!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings in the end

 

Kylo couldn't find any addresses for Hux. No phone number. He even tried googling his name but nothing came up. After checking Facebook he knew if he didn't have that, he didn't have other social media either. It felt like a dead end, trying to find him. _Have a good life_ , he had said. That meant in his books that he wasn't coming back. Kylo was racing against the clock, and the more time passed the further Hux slipped from him. The horrible feeling of knowing he might have just seen Hux the last time when he told him to leave. 

"Fuck!" He threw his phone into a wall, and its screen shattered. There was something missing. What was it? What couldn't he find? Rey would probably know but he couldn't ask her again. Every time he had tried to ask Hux where he lived, the question was always dodged, somehow. He hadn't realized the pattern until now. Hux had been hiding it from him. Why wouldn't he want him to know where he lived? Was he married and was working as a prostitute as a secret? Okay, that was a wild thought even from him, Kylo thought as he paced around.

Then a thought hit him.

_Maybe there wasn't anything to find._

Could Hux be homeless? It made sense. 

"So...your place...what is it like? Where do you live now, Hux?" They had sat together in a park, their shoulders touching. At that time even that had gotten Kylo excited, just being so close to him. He had bought Hux strawberry ice cream, and the way he was licking it should have been illegal. It wasn't really sexual but it made him stare at his lips nonetheless. Luckily the man's attention was on a boy playing with his dog instead of his stare. 

The question made Hux pause, the tiny spark of content in his eyes disappearing, but he still looked at him with a smile. "Just around here. I don't need much in the city, I am not home anyway most of the time. Seeing a room wouldn't be interesting for you." Now thinking back at it, Kylo saw that Hux had been trying to control himself from showing his shame. The slight twitch of his lips or how he immediately looked up when he caught himself staring at his own legs. 

"Nooo, don't say that. Even if it's just a small room, it still tells something about you. What you have in your home." He had chuckled, thinking he was convincing Hux to show him. Now he realized what Hux must have thought instead; _If I'm homeless, what would that tell about me?_

Another time, again when they were shopping, Kylo had suggested his driver could give him a lift home with the bag of clothes he had. Hux had refused, and convinced him to let him walk home. Now Kylo knew there was no home where they could have taken him. The night had ended in a friendly hug and a long glance before them finally parting their ways. 

Kylo searched all the possible shelters in the city and he found few. Some he could immediately rule out; Hux was never seen in that part of the city. There was one promising one though, just few blocks away from the Central Park. And there was a Rose there. Hux had mentioned Rose once. A friend of his. Maybe so, but she was also the owner of the homeless shelter. That must be how they knew each other, she helped him. 

"I'm coming for you Hux, don't worry... I found you." Kylo smiled. Maybe he shouldn't have, because this was serious. He had just found out that his high school friend and crush was homeless, probably a prostitute against his own will, and in a bad shape in general. If there was anything he could do... he wanted to help. It was the least he could do after treating him so badly. 

The shelter looked warm and welcoming. Downstairs was obviously for serving food, and Kylo guessed the woman had few rooms upstairs where the people could sleep if there was space. Kylo hadn't been in a homeless shelter before so he didn't know what to expect.

"Rose Tico?" 

"Yes, that's me."

"Nice to meet you... I'm Kylo Ren." He wasn't sure if she recognized him or not. If she did she didn't show it. "How may I help you, Mr. Ren?" 

"I'm looking for a friend and I was wondering if he could be here..."

"We respect the privacy of our guests here so I won't promise telling you if the person you are looking for is here bu-..."

"Please... I'm looking for Armitage Hux. He's really important to me." She was surprised that out of all the names he said aloud it was Hux's. 

"You're the friend he was talking about earlier today..." She gasped. Kylo furrowed his brows and he wasn't given time to react more than that. Rose pushed him forward to a door at the back. "He's upstairs in room 2. Go, please. He needs a friend right now. If you need anything, I'll be down here!"

Kylo's heart started beating fast again, and he was nervous. Hux was there, upstairs. Would he want to see his face after what happened? The light blue walls of the stairway didn't fit the momentary fear he was feeling. Kylo stood there for a moment, staring up and gathering himself before he took the first step. Now that he knew the truth, or at least some parts of it he worried and played back the times they had been together: had he said something horribly wrong considering his situation?

Room number two was easy to find. The place didn't look bad, it could have passed as a really cheap hotel. Standing behind the room's door Kylo wondered if he should knock first, but those thoughts were pushed aside when he realized he could hear crying from inside the room. 

"Hux?" He wasn't prepared for the sight in the room. Hux was kneeling on the floor, a small blade in his hands. His left arm was bleeding a little. 

"...Ben..." His eyes went wide and he looked so scared caught like that. Kylo, despite being shocked, rushed to him and took the blade away from him. He didn't know what he was supposed to say, so he didn't say anything, he just tried to get the bleeding stop with a handkerchief. 

"No, stop...!"

"Hux... It's okay, I'm here to help you."

"I couldn't do it." First Kylo didn't understand what he meant.

"I couldn't do it. I wanted to but... I was scared." He had tried to kill himself. Because of him? Or was that too self-centered of Kylo to think? How could his life be so bad he wanted to end it. Kylo was thankful he found Hux in time. 

"You don't have to do that... there's still so much to your future, Hux. Everything will be okay." Kylo tried to calm him, hoping just talking to him would help even a little. 

"You're lying. You're blind, Ben. _Look at me_." Kylo looked into his eyes, and he realized he had teared up too. 

"If I couldn't even give you my body right, what am I good for?!" Hux screamed, his voice trembling as he desperately tried to push Kylo away, but he collapsed into his arms instead. The blood from his arm stained Kylo's shirt. 

"You gave me so much, you acted like you cared. You gave me hope. I have nothing nothing to give back, and I couldn't even give myself to you." He was shaking as he gripped onto Kylo's collar with both hands. He hid his face against his shoulder because he didn't want Kylo to see him cry. It was heartbreaking to see him like that. He didn't understand how it felt but he knew Hux needed support. He needed someone to help him. It was partly his fault Hux was in this state, so he needed to make amends. "And now you're here again."

"I'm sorry..." Kylo whispered and wrapped his arms tighter around Hux. He wanted him to feel surrounded with warmth, even if it was the only sure thing he could offer him right now. "I'm sorry I didn't realize earlier." He stayed there still, offering Hux something to cling to. 

"I felt so trapped. There was no other way out. I want out, Ben. I'm tired." Hux had quieted down now, and Kylo could barely understand him by hearing or meaning. Did he feel trapped because of him or was he referring to something else? The way he was talking wasn't making complete sense, or he just...didn't understand. It made him feel so bad because he wanted to understand. He wanted to help. 

"Let me help you, Hux. We'll get out, together."

"How?"

"Come with me tonight. We'll go to see a doctor..."

"I don't want to see a doctor."

"Hux, we need to get that cut checked. They'll bandage it. I don't know how to do that." 

"Okay..." He gave in rather easily, and Kylo was glad he didn't have to force Hux to go. Though...it just showed again how Hux didn't have the will to put up a fight. 

"Then we'll go home. You can sleep and rest there in your own room... I'll cook... I'll take care of you. You don't have to worry about anything." Hux's cries were only sniffles now and Kylo continued talking to him softly. "It's warm there, you'll have your own big bed. No one can get there so you'll be safe. No need to worry about others sharing the room. And I'll be there in the next room. Do you remember what my room looks like?"

Hux nodded.

"Like that but a bit smaller...and not so dark. Do you want that?"

Hux nodded again and Kylo smiled hopefully. "Come on... let's go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw; self-harm and suicidal thoughts
> 
> Thank you for reading! Sorry my chapters are so short and there isn't much substance. I have a plot in my mind but I just can't fatten up what I write.


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